im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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