I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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