I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
