somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
