How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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