Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
