You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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