Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
