Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
