i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
