Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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