Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
