he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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