They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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