this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
