So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You took a bar mat shot.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The air was thick with penises
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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