So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
