70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
