porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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