The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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