i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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