I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
