How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
