my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
