allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
