I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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