How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
