My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
