Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
