tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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