walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
