Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
