Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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