you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
