you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
