I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
