I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
