i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
