I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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