I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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