you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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