It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
