he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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