We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
