I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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