So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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