apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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