I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
