Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
