Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
