if i can run in heels then i can drive
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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